I look for God to show me things through the Bible. This morning I did a quiet time. There were various avenues I went down for Godly wisdom. Here’s where I looked:
2 Samuel 20 & 21
Hosea 1 & 2
the verse “For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it.” (Matthew 16:25)
Streams In the Desert devotion

Last night I couldn’t sleep because my mind was filled with the frustration of our situation. I have feelings of humiliation, embarrassment and untrustworthiness toward God. I have a root of bitterness that constantly tries to get bigger in my life, mainly towards God, and then towards my husband and then towards the person who caused harm to our family.
I told God in a prayer that He wasn’t worthy of trust from me because I have been more faithful to Him than just about all around but He has not provided for us like He does for those who don’t even care anything about Him. When I sought an answer to this, this morning the message that came to me mainly and aggravatingly so is this:
“For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it.” (Matthew 16:25)
It’s been over a decade and a half of slow building humiliation. That’s an example losing my life for the cause of God. I’ve prayed over and over through the years that things would change. They have not. I don’t want to be in all this. I just hope that I will soon find peace and a deep root of Christian joy in giving to others the respect and kindness which I am deprived of. I want to do this through volunteering.
I don’t want to hear the message of Matthew 16:25. For the most part people dismiss our family as a family to mostly be forgotten. Since I crave respect I need to find ways to give others respect very soon or I know I will fall into depression. I need to give to especially those that are lowest. And this is really the hard part, figure out a way to give some respect to those that I can’t stand to be around, who have gossiped about me.